


Depersona

by swshawnee



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 03:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1372168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yunho & Changmin are estranged after the split, and Yunho finds himself slipping deeper into insanity. Set in 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Depersona

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is about a condition called Depersonalization. What it means is basically that you never feel like you're awake, feel like you're always dreaming, that you can't connect to reality, etc. It can come from either drug use or excessive stress, and there is, to my knowledge, no known cure.  
> This is something that's for me, personally, incredibly hard to come to terms with and accept, so I think this is me trying to stop... trying to get better, because there's no way. That basically what I'm trying to do with this fic. I'm not sure if it's going to make any sense to anyone apart from me, but I'm posting it either way.  
> And here's the thing, right: there are some tricks you can use to make yourself feel a little better when you have DP, and I purposely didn't do any of them while I wrote this fic. I wrote it for 10 hours today, and I feel like absolute crap now and will not be using this method again any time soon, haha.  
> Hallucinations is not part of Depersonalization. Just wanted to put that out there.  
> Okay, enough with the therapy moment. I hope you can somehow enjoy this fic even though the subject is a bit ??? Also, the title 'Depersona' comes from my dad, who sat me down very seriously one day and said "I think you should write a book about Depersonalization. I even have a title for you." Sorry dad, no book from me just yet, how about some gay fanfiction first? :D

It's horrible from the start.

They aren't allowed out on any public appearances, no interviews, no performances, no nothing. And frankly, Yunho is glad, because for a long time he still can't look Changmin in the eye. Can't speak to him. Can't say a word to him, and that in a time when they probably need each other like never before. 

There's a possibility that him and Changmin will become a duo, will continue their dysfunctional family life like one of those that become torn in two, go their separate ways and try to pretend they forgot about everything they had together. It's not 100% certain; could be that the company understands that the fans will never see them as a duo, that the space of the lost three will never be filled, and that Changmin will debut as a solo singer, and Yunho will... 

 

Yunho will... 

He doesn't know. He doesn't think he has the singing talent of a solo artist, not in the way Changmin does, and despite years of experience, so, so much experience, since the lawsuit he doesn't feel particularly confident about his MCing and entertaining skills at all.

So maybe it'd just be best for him to dwindle away. The fans would never allow it without an explanation, and he's aware of that - painfully aware of that - but he feels like he has more pressing issues to worry about. 

 

Like Changmin for example. 

Changmin has changed. He was always a kind of sad person - this kind of person who doesn't feel like his opinion actually has any significance, this kind of person that lets other people decide and says it's fine and hides his discontented sneer from everyone around him. He's always been the kind of person to pull away, to take a step back and only come forward if someone orders him to. 

Yes, he has always been a sad kind of person, but it's different now. It's not the same sadness. Yunho can tell that Changmin has completely lost faith in everything, in life, in friendship, in trust, though his lips form the words "I am fine, hyung, don't worry," on the rare occasion that Yunho can make himself lift his gaze and raise his voice. 

Changmin never used to go out. He used to stay in and brood a lot, but now Changmin doesn't even do that. He does nothing. 

 

"I'm sorry," Yunho tries once, twice, sometimes. 

Changmin just shrugs and shakes his head, and doesn't meet Yunho's gaze. "What for?" 

And Yunho bites down on his lip, staring down into the food on his place, wondering how long this will go on for. He wants them to be what they used to. And come on, Changmin and Yunho have always gotten along great, they've always loved each other like people outside the group wouldn't be able to understand, and it's not like other three could possibly have taken that with when they left, could they? "I'm sorry that I couldn't make them stay." 

Changmin chews his food slower. "It's not something you did. It's something they did."

"But I'm the leader. Keeping the members in line is my responsibility." 

There's no good answer. Maybe Changmin is right, maybe it isn't Yunho's fault. The younger shrugs, still staring intently down at his plate. 

They don't speak for a day and a half. 

 

Yunho starts thinking more and more about what it would be like to disappear. 

Not physically disappear off the face of the earth, of course, but to disappear from the entertainment industry. The more he considers it, the more the thought of no pressure appeals to him, and soon he craves it. 

That is, until he realizes that disappearing a lot of the time is the same as being forgotten. 

And that's when he reaches the point of no return. The thought of being forgotten and left behind, not disappearing on his own conditions, dumps a bucket of panic over his head, and he doesn't know what to do. He wants to stay with Changmin, he wants them to continue on together, but when he glances over at the other man from where he sits on the living room couch, he can't imagine how Changmin could possibly feel the same. Anyone who didn't know who they were, anyone looking in from the outside, would probably think they were two awkward strangers. Possibly two friends who betrayed each other beyond repair. 

And Yunho doesn't know why, because they didn't betray each other. Changmin is the only person in the group who didn't betray him, and Yunho is the only person who did not betray Changmin. So why? Why is it so hard for them to look at each other? 

"Changmin," he says, hiding the tone of desperation. 

"Yeah?" 

Changmin stands with his back towards him, searching for something in a book case. Yunho has absolutely no idea what to say, so he rubs his hands together - they're so cold - and sighs. "I'm glad, you know..." He pauses, clears his throat, doesn't seem to wake the other man's curiosity. "...that you stayed with me. That you didn't leave with them."   
There's no reply, and Yunho isn't surprised. "I don't know what to say to that," the younger says after a few moments of silence. 

"Do you wish you had gone with them?" Yunho continues, unable to stop himself - he doesn't want to know, he absolutely doesn't, but he needs to say _something_ , needs to get words between them, get honesty between them and get back to where they were. 

Changmin finally turns around, but his eyes are locked with the spot next to Yunho on the couch. "Do you?" is his only reply. 

Yunho feels the leader-switch turn on in his head. "No," he says brightly, the potential lie tasting so sour in his mouth. "I think you and I will be fine on our own. I think we'd make a great duo." He looks up at Changmin with anticipation, and it surprises him that he still has the strength to hope for something. He looks up his youngest member, his... _only_ member, and beneath all the fear and awkwardness he remembers the endless affection he holds for the younger man. 

Changmin slowly makes his way over to him, rounds the coffee table and sinks down next to Yunho on the couch. His eyes are at Yunho's thighs. "I don't," he says softly. 

Yunho loses his mind. 

 

 

So Changmin doesn't want the two of them to continue the name of TVXQ. Changmin doesn't want them to work alone together, and Changmin doesn't want to be around him. He should have figured, Yunho guesses, that the reason for their awkwardness would have been something like that, but he can't think of it too long. The pain is too much for him to physically bear. 

Instead, he focuses on the job at hand. So no more TVXQ - that means, in order to not be forgotten, he needs to go solo. Which means he needs to up his game. 

He goes down to the practice rooms in the SM building, and he cowers in one of the empty rooms where he once used to take singing lessons. He sits there alone, in front of a piano he doesn't touch, and sings to himself, grateful for the loneliness. He sings songs by other artists, but no SM artists - ugh, he's heard every single song the company has produced so many times that he's sick of them all by now. His voice is what it's always been. But he will sing until the sun rises if he needs to. 

His list of songs runs thin, and soon he slips back into old habits. Old songs with five voices play in his head whenever he tries to come up with anything, and soon the words come out as if he had no control of his own. He sings his own parts, he sings Changmin's parts, and all the parts of those he will never sing together with again: all the parts of those he thought would sing together with forever. 

Tears well up in his eyes. He hates it, but he can't stop it. He hates crying, and he always has. It's not very productive. And if he didn't want this to happen, if he didn't want to be left alone, then he should have taken better care of his members. He knows this. He only has himself to blame. But bitter tears still fall, his voice comes out choked, quivers, breaks, and Yunho knows he doesn't have what it takes. 

The door opens. Yunho spins around in terror, and the person in the doorway is none other than Changmin. "What are you doing here?" Yunho bites out, stumbling away from the piano, eager to hide his pathetic tears. 

Changmin raises an eyebrow, but Yunho isn't looking at him. "What?"

"What do you want?" 

There's a silent moment when Yunho reaches up to wipe his tears. "Are you alright?" Changmin asks eventually, and the question makes Yunho's blood boil. 

"I'm not in the mood for talking," he hisses. "So why are you here?" 

Changmin shifts his weight between his feet, apparently at a loss for what to do with his hyung in this state. "Kyuhyun and Minho called and asked me to go over and have a drink," he explains, calmly but not without a strained voice. "I was just wondering whether you wanted to come along, or if you needed me to stay, or... I don't know." 

Yunho gives him a glare. They make eye contact for a second and it's the first time in days, but Changmin looks away instantly. "Why would I need that?" Yunho asks. Changmin opens his mouth, closes it, and shrugs. Yunho turns away, walks back over to the piano and sits down. "Do what you want, I don't care," he mutters. 

Changmin remains in the doorway for another few seconds. "Fine," he says then, and walks away. Yunho feels he hurt he inflicted on the other man so clearly, it cuts through the air and fills his lungs with guilt whenever he takes a breath, but he feels his own hurt so much stronger. It burns in stomach too heavily for him to handle, and he wills the tears to stay gone again. 

 

Changmin says he doesn't blame Yunho for what happened, but Yunho knows he does. 

 

 

And Yunho needs to do something about that burning feeling in his stomach. Changmin's comment about going over to his friends and drinking fills him with inspiration, and he stumbles back to their dorm, helplessly running over to their fridge for all he's worth. He pulls it open and smiles out of pure relief; there's soju and various kinds of beer lining the shelves on the door. Trust Changmin to always keep alcohol in the dorm for emergencies. Such as the one Yunho is currently experiencing, or the one that seems to cover their entire lives all the time nowadays. 

He snaps open the first beer without a second thought and chugs.

 

 

Yunho comes to with his face down into the living room floor. How he got there, he has no idea, and he doesn't really care. He laughs, but stops immediately when he realizes how unbearably sick he feels. He tries to lift his hand, but every single inch of his body is drunk - there's no doubt about it - and he can't think. His thoughts seem unable to move around, and thank God, thank God, he laughs again. 

"Hyung?" Changmin asks from behind him, closing their front door with a careful snap. "Hyung, what's going on? What are you doing?" 

Yunho laughs again. He tries to speak, but he can't, and what would he say even if he could? Nothing has changed between him and Changmin, except for that he now knows that Changmin doesn't give a damn about him anymore. 

"Are you _drunk_?" Changmin asks, and he's closer now, standing just beside Yunho's knees. "Jesus Christ, this is pathetic." 

Yunho's eyes roll back in his head without his permission. "Pathetic, huh?" he breathes against the floor, "wait until you find out whose alcohol I drank." He laughs again and uses all of his remaining powers to turn over on his back, just so he can see Changmin's outraged expression. But his eyes are blurry, the back of his head hurts when it hits the floor, and there is no mortified expression on the other man's face. It's something else, maybe pity? Indifference? Whatever it is, it definitely isn't worry, Yunho decides. And that's fine, because Yunho didn't do this to worry him. 

"You can't lie here," Changmin says, but his tone is dull and void of any kind of care. "Let's get you to bed." He reaches down to grab Yunho's arms and help him up, and something snaps inside of Yunho. Changmin grabs his hands and lifts them, but he pulls them back and they almost hit Yunho himself in the face. Changmin grabs him again, but this time Yunho pushes him away as forcefully as he can. 

"Fuck off," he groans, hating the feeling of being inferior, hating the way Changmin seems to be dealing with his issues so much better than he does. 

Changmin stand back up at once. "Fine, care for yourself," he says simply, and walks off, leaving Yunho there with his back against the hard floor. 

He turns his head and looks towards Changmin's bedroom door. He never heard it close, but he assumes the younger slammed it shut. It wouldn't be the first time. Maybe it'll be the last time. And he faces the truth right there: the two of them aren't going to work together again, because with the loss of the other three came the loss of everything that either of them were before. 

He looks up at the ceiling, and for a moment it dissolves. Yunho sees the black night sky and stars twinkling far away in the distance, so far away, and they shine in green, in sick, dark, metallic green that makes him lose his breath. He can almost smell the late night air, he thinks, and then he blinks, and he can't open his eyes again. 

 

 

"You need to get a fucking grip. I'm not going to yell at you, because if I'm going to tell you what I think, I want to do it at a time when you'll actually be able to remember it in the morning." 

Changmin's voice. So full of disdain and resentment. And how dare he speak to Yunho like that? Yunho who's the hyung, the leader, Yunho who was taken care of Changmin through all these years? He wants to open his mouth and shout at the youngest, but he can't move. Can't open his eyes. Can't move his lips. And the feeling of panic starts brewing in his stomach, because he feels like he can't break free, like he's trapped somewhere far beneath this layer of intoxication, and everything is out of his control. Anything can happen now. 

Green stars flash before his eyes and for a split second he wants to open his mouth and scream. 

"Thanks for coming over," Changmin mumbles. Not to Yunho this time, he assumes. 

"No problem. I know what it’s like." 

"Get his legs, and I'll take his arms, okay?" 

"Yeah. On three?"

"One, two, _three_."

Yunho is lifted up into the air, and he wants to tense his body, help them keep his weight up, but he can't. And really, why should he? They walk like that for about half a minute, and then he's thrown down on a bed, his stomach twisting and churning in the short fall. 

"Does Yunho hyung do this a lot?" the unknown voice asks. Stars twinkle past Yunho's eyes again. 

"No, never," Changmin replies. The voices move towards the doorway, and fear flares in Yunho's stomach again, because he's sure he's going to die if he can't break out of this soon. "But he's getting out of control lately." 

"Understandable."

"... I wouldn't say that exactly." 

"I just mean with what you've been going through lately..."

"Yeah. Amazing how hard times have the ability to turn people into assholes."

"You don't mean that." 

"Believe me, I do. When I tried to help him off the floor earlier, he told me to fuck off." 

"...Did Yunho? Really?"

"Yes. He's always like that nowadays. I don't know why he hates me, but he does."

"That can't be true." 

"He hates my guts. And I think I'm starting to hate him too, a little."

 

 

Yunho wakes up the next day and immediately wishes he hadn't. There's a warm pillow pressed against his face, an uncomfortable grumbling feeling in his stomach and the mother of all hangovers in every single cell of his body. He opens his eyes, closes them again. Then he sits up and vomits over the side of his bed. 

 

Dealing with someone's vomit isn't necessarily going to make them grow fonder of you, and Yunho knows that, but when he hangs off the toilet with the taste of acid burning in his mouth, he can't bring himself to care. Changmin cleans up in his room without complaint, and then comes over to the bathroom and leans against the door frame. 

"You definitely owe me something pretty now," he says, a very strained attempt at sounding casual. 

It breaks Yunho's heart, and he wants to scream and shout again. "Someone was here last night," he bites out, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Who was it?" 

Changmin narrows his eyes a little, not fond of being ignored. "Kyuhyun." 

Yunho steadies himself on his knees with his eyes closed, thankful to have a reason not to look at the younger man. "I heard the way you talked about me with him. I don't appreciate it." 

The younger stands in stunned silence for a while, and then his hand shoots up to scratch at the back of his neck - something he does often in stressed situations. "Am I supposed to take all your shit every day and then not vent to my friends? I don't think so." 

"You didn't need to call him over," Yunho bites out. 

"It was either him or an ambulance. Carrying your dead weight on my own was a little--"

"I told you to leave me where I was!" Yunho shouts, opens his eyes and glares at the younger man. His entire stomach churns, and the fact that Changmin doesn't look away is not helping. 

"Fine," he says, resigning, straightening his back and walking away. "Let me know when it's okay to care for you again." 

Yunho vomits again. Little green stars dance in front of his eyes. 

 

 

Everything feels surreal for the rest of the day. He doesn't know what the time is and he definitely does not care, and he spends the day cooped up on his bed. Changmin leaves the apartment in the afternoon and doesn't come back until late, and Yunho tells himself he doesn't give a damn where the other man went. It's amazing, he thinks, how such a short period of time can change so much of how he feels about people. 

But it still isn't enough. He wishes he could be like Changmin, that he could come right out and say "I don't want you in my life," but no matter how he tries and tells himself that it would hurt less that way, he just can't make it come true. 

He needs Changmin. He tries to imagine a life alone, or with someone else, and he has to bite down on his pillow in order to not scream. It can't work. It won't _work_. Changmin is everything Yunho needs to go on functioning; composure, intelligence, love, and a lot of things Yunho can't and doesn't want to put his finger on. He never thought it would feel like this. 

Then again, he never thought Changmin would turn his back on him either. 

 

He can't wake his mind up. He blames the hangover. 

 

When Changmin comes back, he says nothing. Yunho's door is closed, and his room is slowly but steadily becoming darker and darker. Finally. The darker it becomes, the less unnatural it feels for him to close his eyes. 

Changmin shuffles around a bit outside his door for a while. Yunho doesn't think they're going to speak to each other for at least a few days, so he's surprised when Changmin knocks on his door. He grunts in reply, and the door opens slowly, allowing new light to seep in. Yunho's head hurts. 

Changmin's tall shape covers most of the light, but Yunho doesn't want to look at him. "I know I'm not supposed to care, but aren't you going to eat?" the younger says. 

Yunho nuzzles his face into his pillow, trying to get rid of the itchy feeling in his eyes. "What are you talking about?" he asks. "I ate while you were out." He lies effortlessly, because he just wants the other man to go away. 

"Right," Changmin says, nodding. "And you swallowed the dishes, too, I assume?" 

Yunho glares. Alright, so maybe it wasn't his most thought-through lie ever, but he doesn't have much experience in lying to Changmin. "I just didn't want to throw up all over the place again," he grumbles. "And I don't think you'd want me to either." 

"No," Changmin says with an disbelieving laugh. "You're right about that. But I also don't want you to starve to death right there in your bed." 

Yunho pulls the covers over his face and grunts. 

"You know the stench would be awful." 

"I'm too hung-over for this, Changmin," Yunho groans from beneath his covers. 

"Right," Changmin says again. "I guess I'll shut up before I go too far and actually seem like I care. That's obviously not allowed these days." 

Truth is, Yunho doesn't at all feel that hung-over anymore. The nausea is long gone, but the surreal feeling buzzes in his head, still, and eating probably wouldn't be a problem. But the darkness that covers the room when Changmin closes the door again is too comfortable for him to get up. 

 

When Yunho first opens his eyes, he's standing on a frozen lake in the middle of the night. There's snow beneath his feet, and isn't that strange, he thinks? It's in the middle of July in South Korea, there shouldn't be any snow. 

But he's never seen this place before, so maybe he's not in Korea. He looks around, but he doesn't see far through the darkness. Straight ahead, he can barely make out a house, a big, red tree house with frozen birches positioned all around it. It looks homey, he guesses, but he doesn't want to go there. Not now, not ever. Instead he sinks to his knees, expecting the snow to be cold beneath him, but it's not. It's warm and solid and it doesn't melt through his jeans. He drags his hands along the crust, loving the way it scratches as his palms. Every little flake of snow is like a diamond. 

He throws himself down on his back, and the snow doesn't give out beneath him. Turning his eyes to the sky, he sees green stars twinkle at him. He smiles at them, because they're somewhat familiar by now, aren't they? They aren't like the regular stars that he's seen on the night skies all throughout his life; no, these are different. They know that he's there, and they all know that they're alone together. He laughs, showing the tiny green lights a tired, toothy smile as he's filled up with warmth. 

He wonders for a while where this warmth comes from. It's not long before he realizes it's the feeling of belonging. 

He smiles at the stars because the know he's there, and they're happy he is. 

 

Suddenly, he hears someone calling his name in the distance. Softly, as if to stir him from sleep, he realizes. "Yunho," the voice calls, and Yunho realizes with a start that it's Changmin's voice. So he sits up, pushes up off the ground, stumbles, and grabs the handle on the door in front of him in order not to fall. 

He blinks. It's Changmin's bedroom door, and he's holding on to the door handle, pushing it down like he's about to enter. Tears fill his eyes in a second, because this isn't right. Where are the stars? Where's the warm snow and the abandoned house? He prays to whatever God is listening that Changmin is asleep and didn't hear him fall straight into his door. 

He runs back to his room and closes the door as silently as he can. Staring out the window, he realizes the stars aren't green, they don't know his name, snow won't come for another few months and it definitely won't be warm, and everybody's going to forget him in the end. 

 

Vowing himself not to drink alcohol again for a _long time_ , he pulls the covers over his head again and forces himself to go to sleep. 

 

 

"Hyung." 

Yunho has never wanted to sleep this badly before. So: "No," he says, simply. 

"I made breakfast. I think we should talk." 

"Changmin, come on," he groans. "Don't you think we've hurt each other enough?" 

The younger puts his hand on his arm and shakes him softly. "It's been a lot more than 24 hours since you last had something to eat. It'll all feel better once you do, I promise." 

"No," Yunho protests, shaking Changmin's hand off him. "I need to sleep. My head is dying of tiredness." 

"Hyung, you've slept for 13 hours, I think you're fine," the younger argues with forced patience. Yunho realizes how hard he must be trying, but he can't get the thought of actually having slept for 13 hours into his head. He only just closed his eyes, so how's the possible?

"What's the time?" 

"It's 12:30." 

Yunho sits up and throws the sheets off him. " _What_?" 

"Come now," Changmin says, getting up off the side of Yunho's bed. Yunho stares at him, and he looks great, showered, with styled hair, nicely dressed, but so nervous. "Let's eat." 

And Yunho can't say no.

 

 

Saying "I made breakfast" was something of an exaggeration, Yunho thinks when he sees the sandwiches and toppings laid out on the kitchen table, but for Changmin it's still a lot, so he keeps his mouth shut. He's more worried of what the other man thinks they 'need to talk’ about anyway, so he acts like a good boy and sits down opposite him. It takes him a few minutes to wake up, but then he realizes the surreal feeling is still there. Fear tears at his stomach. 

"Like I said, I think we should talk," Changmin says, taking a bite of a sandwich. Yunho feels like his mind can't process what is happening, can't remember how to make a sandwich, can't _see_ Changmin though he's just there at the other side of the table. 

"About what?" he asks, mouth dry. 

"About us. About what's happening to us." He gives Yunho a careful look. "But I'm not very good with these things, so you're going to have to help me." 

Yunho realizes that he's hungry, which is very convenient, because it means he can focus on sandwiches rather than looking the younger man in the eye. "What's there to say?" he asks as he grabs the bread and starts preparing it. 

"Hyung..." Changmin tries, staring down at the table, and Yunho wants to tell him to stop. Stop it, he wants to say, don't hurt yourself, don't try so hard, you'll hurt yourself and you'll hurt me and you'll destroy us even further, so don't, _please_ , but he can't get the words out. "You know I still care about you as much as I always did."

Yunho frowns. "Do I?" he says before he can stop himself. 

"Alright, so you don't," Changmin says, rolling his eyes. "But I do. And I... just wanted you to know that. I don't want to lose you." 

_But you said, but you said, but you don't_ , Yunho's mind says, and he feels so confused suddenly, because he doesn't understand Changmin, not at all. And he doesn't know what to ask to help figure it out. And that's new, it's a first, because he's so used to being the one to speak, the one to get them out of trouble, the one who always has to know what to say, the leader. He puts his sandwich down and pulls his hands through his hair, greasy and dirty, and he hates the feeling lingering in his body. 

"Hyung?" Changmin says cautiously. "What's wrong?"

"I... I think I'm coming down with something," he says through his fingers. "I don't feel very well." 

Changmin swallows another bite. "You're _still_ hung-over?"

"Maybe."

"But you didn't even drink that much." 

Yunho lets his hand drop in surprise. "I didn't?" 

"No, there's still a lot left." Changmin almost laughs.

But Yunho's entire stomach churns at the thought, and he glances a little at the fridge. "Please, drink it before I do." 

Changmin snorts, and Yunho wants to smile along, wants to forget anything ever went wrong between them, but then Changmin's face is serious again and he's clearing his throat and Yunho just wants to scream out a 'NO'. "So..." Changmin says. Yunho knows this is his cue to give his opinion on the whole thing, but he suddenly feels like he has none. None that wouldn't be completely unnecessary and hurtful. 

"I don't know what to say," he says simply. Changmin looks defeated. 

"Hyung, there's a possibility we're going to be working together alone," he says. "We have to figure this out." 

"But you said you didn't want to," Yunho bites out. He doesn't want to be talking about this. Not until this goddamn dream-like, surreal feeling disappears from his head. He feels like he has no control over what he says or does. 

Changmin sighs. "You can't always have what you want." 

And that makes Yunho lose his mind further. Why must Changmin keep hurting him by reminding him how much he doesn't want him around? "Right," he says, forcing back the hurt as far as he can. "And I don't see why we need to work things out if you don't give a shit anymore."

Changmin frowns. "That's not--" 

"It's fine," Yunho says, shrugging. "I don't either." He sees the flash of hurt in the other's eyes, and he wants to run away. "Look, I'm really not up for this discussion right now." 

"I do still care," the younger mumbles, but Yunho doesn't want to hear any more. He doesn't want the hope that Changmin constantly gives him by acting like he _cares_ , only to then take it all back and leave Yunho helpless. "That's not what I mean." 

"Let's not talk anymore," Yunho says, standing up from his chair. Changmin eyes him sadly. "This is why I said we just keep hurting each other." He grabs his sandwich and walks towards his room again. "Obviously we don't match well when the others aren't here." 

The stupidest, most hurtful thing he could have ever thought to say. And he knows it isn't true, too, because it's not like they've never been alone together before, while the others were in the group, and there was never a problem. No, he just needs something to get Changmin off his case, to make himself stop hoping for something that's never going to happen. 

Because it's not. He wishes his feelings for Changmin were completely platonic, just like he always has, but he's long since gone by the point of acceptance - he has feelings for the younger man, and there's nothing he can do about it. It was one of the main reasons why he chose to stay in SM once he heard Changmin didn't want to leave, and now he regrets it bitterly. Once things are good, it's easy to pretend or delude yourself into thinking things are all going to be fine in the end, but that's a modified truth. Because when things get bad, you suffer, and when things turn around and start looking a little brighter again, you will settle for anything that doesn't hurt. 

Maybe he thought him and Changmin could be something someday. Maybe they could be together. But somehow he left Changmin out of that equation, because Changmin doesn't have feelings for him, and that's where everything falls apart. 

 

Yunho should have brought his lovesick mind out of the gutter and convinced Changmin to go with the rest of them, and maybe their lives would still have some kind of ounce of happiness in them. 

But Yunho was selfish. He chose to keep Changmin for himself, and lost everything he had in the process. And more importantly, he robbed Changmin of everything he had, too. 

No wonder the man hates him. 

 

 

On the third day, Yunho has to realize something's wrong. 

It starts from the moment he gets up in the morning. He looks around the room and feels like he can't see it even though it's _right there_ , right in front of him. Even his own skin feels strange when he holds up his hand in front of his face. Even as he strokes his palm slowly, it's like he can't _feel_ it, even though he does, somewhere. It seems like his mind has fallen behind. 

He gets up and takes a cold shower, gradually turning the temperature down, down, down, until his head aches he's shivering from the cold. Then he gets out, dries his hair, and the feeling is still there. 

So he goes to his room, opens his window, and leans out as far as he can. The warm summer air feels cooling against his face, and he closes his eyes, thinking maybe that's what he needs. Maybe he just needs to get out for a bit. But then he opens his eyes, and the feeling is still there. 

 

He can't think of what to do, and he doesn't know how it became this way. It's like he leaves a part of him behind in his dreams when he wakes up, like a part of him has gone to sleep and just can't seem to wake up. Yunho wonders, not without horror rising in his chest, how long it's going to go on for. 

 

And then the days start rolling by, uncontrollably, and Yunho can't even bring his head around to know what date it is. What day of the week it is. It's like he never brings his head around with him when he wakes up, but goes through the days sleeping even though he's awake. 

One night, he sits on his bed, so filled with the knowledge that nothing feels real anymore, and the panic comes out of nowhere. He feels as though his soul has been pushed in too far, and he's drowning beneath layers of his own flesh, and he can't get out. He's constantly pushed further and further down, and into what? He doesn't know, insanity, maybe? And he's terrified that maybe one day he will disappear completely, because he can't even be sure he's _real_ anymore. 

So the panic comes and he can't sit down for another second, he's shaking, at least he can feel that much, and he walks over to his mirror, staring at his reflection that seems _so unfamiliar_ and strange, and he wants to pull it out of there, because something is wrong. This is not who he is. This is not the things he feels, not the thoughts he has. Whatever made this happen, he needs to undo it, he needs to go back and undo, and what was it? Was it the alcohol? Was it the stress? Was it staying in his room for too long? Was it not eating properly? He needs to fix it all, and all at once, but he can't, because he can't make his thoughts function properly, and he falls down to the floor, unable to stand up any longer. 

He crawls to his bed, ripping the sheets out of place as he pulls himself up, but he doesn't notice. They feel distant beneath his hands. And then he wraps his duvet around himself and presses his face down into the pillow, because maybe choking himself would be better than living through all of this, but then he laughs because it's not possible for a human being to strangle himself and actually die. He knows that. He's not an idiot. 

But hell, it would be such a relief. 

 

He drifts off to sleep while the tears pour. He prays, and prays, and prays harder that when he wakes up, he'll be himself again. 

 

Morning comes, the panic is gone, but the world is still a distant mess around his head. 

 

 

 

Changmin doesn't speak to him. Not because he ignores Yunho as the older tries to talk to him, no, because Yunho doesn't try. He's still firm in his belief that if they were to speak, they'd end up nothing but hurt. 

But Yunho is scared that he'll go insane if he doesn't get help, so he pushes that thought aside for a while. 

 

Changmin leaves the apartment more often when he and Yunho don't speak. And when he's home, they come out of their rooms at different times to eat, making sure not to run into each other. And Yunho knows why _he_ is doing it, sure, but he's not all that sure about Changmin. Because the last thing Yunho said to him was hurtful, of course, but Changmin isn't the type to avoid. He gets hurt, then he gets over it, and he confronts. Annoying, most of the time, but undeniably something that Yunho himself needs, the way he avoids his problems until they crash into him head on. 

So he's terrified when he goes over to Changmin's room and knocks. 

"Yeah," comes Changmin's dull voice from inside. Yunho opens the door. Changmin is sitting on his bed with his laptop on his lap, back against the headboard. "What?" he asks without looking up. 

"What are you up to?" Yunho says pathetically, and he already wants to cry. 

Changmin sighs. "Not much." A pause, then: "Why?" 

"I, uh..." Yunho tries. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something. Watch a movie, or something." 

Changmin cocks an eyebrow. "And why would I want to do that, suddenly?" 

Yunho chokes back the sobs that work their way up his throat. "Changmin, I..." he tries, but then he bursts into tears, because he hasn't even thought of how to try and explain this insanity to the younger, and he doesn't even care, so why does he even try? And he doesn't have enough room in his heart to hurt any more over the fact that Changmin doesn't care, Changmin doesn't _want him there_ , and everything flows over. 

"Hyung, what—" Changmin asks, immediately putting his laptop aside and getting up on his knees. "What's going on? Did something happen?" 

Yunho tries to speak, _really_ tries to speak, but he can only gesture because he doesn't know what to say, and he knows he's making everything worse again. Crying isn't going to help anything. "I— I—" 

"Alright, hyung, alright," Changmin hurries, climbing out of the bed and hurrying up to where Yunho is standing. "We'll watch a movie. Don't worry." 

 

It's awkward, but Changmin sets everything up. He asks Yunho what movie he wants to watch, but Yunho can't do anything other than shrug through his tears, and Changmin grabs the nearest DVD and puts it in. Yunho can't imagine how much he'd rather go back to his laptop and his games or chats or whatever it was that he was doing, and he wants to say "it's fine, go back, you don't have to take care of me," but again the words won't come out. He feels like he's lost control of his body, and though there's so much he wants to do, he can't. 

They sit on opposite ends of the couch watching a movie they've both seen a hundred times before. Yunho can't make his mind wake up, and he doesn't know what to blame it on anymore. 

 

Halfway through the movie, Changmin looks over at Yunho. "Hyung," he says, skips the bullshit and says: "What's wrong? Why were you crying earlier?" 

Yunho keeps his eyes on the TV. "I..." he says, trying to will himself to calm down, but without control. His breathing speeds up. "I think I'm sick," he says eventually, and Changmin stares at him in confusion. 

"What do you mean, sick?" 

Still keeping his attention on the TV, Yunho opens his mouth, but he doesn't know what to say. What kind of sick is this, really? He hasn't heard of an illness that makes you feel insane, like your body isn't yours, like you're not really _awake_. And it's not something he really wants people to know about him, either – the fact that maybe he's just simply gone insane. And maybe there's more in store. Maybe this is just the beginning. 

Changmin lifts the remote and simply turns the TV off. "You're going to tell me what's going on," he says, and Yunho swallows. 

"I... I feel like all of this is in a dream. Like it's not really happening, like I'm not awake."

Changmin shifts beside him. Yunho hates crying more than ever, but the tears still fall. "How do you mean?" the younger asks, and Yunho wants to give up, forget he ever said anything, and run away again. 

"I don't know," he says desperately, knowing he sounds like a little kid that's too tired and needs to be put to bed. "I don't know, Changmin. I feel like I'm going crazy," he sobs, covering his face in shame and fear, so aware of the possibility that Changmin won't care, won't have anything to say, won't even _believe_ him. He cries harder, and before he knows it, Changmin's arms encircle his shoulders and pull him in. He stills, but the fear doesn't go away. 

"Hyung, don't worry," the younger says, softly. "I'm sure it's just exhaustion. It'll go away in the morning." 

"It's been like this for days," he chokes out through his tears. "I don't even know how many." It's embarrassing, pathetic and anything but something a leader should do, but he can't help himself. He can't stop. And Changmin is holding him, his arms are there, he's so close and he can feel his fresh scent, but he _can't feel it_ , and it's making him even crazier. Changmin's right there, but so distant, and Yunho can't feel like he's actually holding him. 

So Yunho clings harder, and harder, and harder, but it doesn't help. "Still," says Changmin, "it'll pass. I promise. Don't worry about it." 

Changmin tries his hardest to be reassuring, and Yunho knows this, but he doesn't know how to trust his words when the two of them don't even seem to live in the same world anymore. 

 

They stay like that while Yunho cries, and Changmin whispers at him: "Hush, go to sleep, hyung," and Yunho thinks: "Why? It's all I do," but eventually he drifts into real sleep, calm in his body, though nightmares haunt his mind. 

 

 

It doesn't get really bad again until a few days later. Changmin leaves home to see his friends, though not without knocking on Yunho's door with a worried expression on his face first. "Do you need me to stay home?" he asks again, just like last time, and Yunho wonders if he doesn't get tired. 

"No," Yunho says, not sure if he's lying or not. 

"I'll be home early," Changmin assures, and Yunho hates it. It fools him that the younger man cares. 

"Just go," he says, and Changmin does.

 

And all hell breaks loose. 

The apartment is so silent, but Yunho can't bring himself to turn on the TV or the stereo. Instead he wanders through the rooms, humming softly to himself, feeling like the limbs and muscles of his body are slowly decaying along with his mind. Words pass through his thoughts unrestrainedly, and he can't stop them, can't do anything to affect them. All he can do is listen. 

And he does. 

And they go on and on about Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin, TVXQ, the past, the future, the unbearable present, and the fact that Yunho himself will probably never get out of this feeling alive. These thoughts blow past him in their hurry to be created, and he doesn't mind much, because it keeps other feelings at bay, and somehow it makes him so awfully... inspired. He runs back to his room, jerks the door open, 

 

and steps out on the crusty snow beneath green stars. He loses his breath. 

Laughing, he leans down and drags his nail over the snow, shivers going down his back at the ripping sound it causes. Then he stills and does a double take, because there are tracks here, tracks left by a human being in a pair of boots, and they lead all the way from where Yunho is standing, up to, he guesses, the abandoned house in the distance. 

He pales. Looking behind him, he sees the tracks coming from somewhere in the dark. And when he looks down, he sees his own two feet standing right in them, fitting perfectly. He doesn't know if the tracks are his, but it seems logical. 

 

But it doesn't make sense. He doesn't want to go to the house, and he shouldn't. No good can come of it. So, no, he thinks, he's just going to refuse, and stay right where he is. He's just about to sink to his knees when he sees it. 

The house is on fire. It's not obvious yet, so the flames must still be small, Yunho realizes, which means there's still time to save it. So he looks down at the tracks in front of him, winces, whines, stares at the flames and wishes they would disappear on their own, and then he sets off, jumping thought the footprints until he reaches land and the ground starts to slope. "No, no, no, no," he groans with each step he takes, because he dreads going up to the house so badly, he wants to turn around and run the other way, wants to forget about this goddamn house and just stay with his warm snow and beloved green stars, but he looks up, and it seems the stars are still there with him. So that must be alright, he figures. 

He makes his way between trees and over snow, rounds the big, worn-down house to get to the main entrance, and when he sees it, he stops. 

 

Because there's no snow underneath his feet, and this door is not new to him. He's never seen it before in real life, of course; only on creepy sasaeng blogs that he really should not be on, but does go on anyway, from time to time. 

He looks up at the slightly dark, somewhat cloudy sky, and that's when realization hits: he should not be here. 

He reaches back over his shoulder for a hoodie to pull up and hide his face, but he realizes he's only wearing a t-shirt. So he turns around and runs for all he's worth, faster than he probably ever has, because he needs to get as far away as he can from this house, this house that's the new residence of a certain Kim Jaejoong. 

 

 

It probably goes without saying that when Yunho gets back to their apartment, he's terrified out of his mind. And as much as he wishes it wouldn't, he knows it's going to happen again, because he can't prevent it. 

He doesn't know the place with the frozen lake and the stars that know his name, but he loves it nonetheless. It’s the only place in Yunho's entire life where things are what they're supposed to be. He hopes the house burned down, though, so that Yunho won't ever have to see it again; hopes it burned to the ground and that there's nothing but a pile of ashes left. And he honestly can't wait to find out. 

But if his visits to that new place are going to make him physically do things that will bring on consequences, he needs to do something. Anything. Because he can't just appear on Jaejoong's doorstep all of a sudden, and he doesn't want to. No, why would he want to see the other man? Why, after everything? Why now, now that he's done with the three of them? Not to mention the trouble he'd get in with the company if they knew. 

He sinks down on the bed in his room, panting heavily. He needs to do _something_ because he doesn't know when it's going to happen next. In two minutes? In two days? He pulls out his cellphone with only one thought in his mind: Changmin.

First: Changmin can never know what just happened. 

Second: The last time Yunho went to this other place, he came back with his hand on Changmin's doorknob. When Changmin then went out with his friends, Yunho also walked out the door.

Conclusion: Changmin needs to always be around. If Changmin is there, everything will be okay. 

So he dials his number quicker than he ever has, and then he waits. 

"Hello?"

"Come home," Yunho orders, not begs. 

"What?" Changmin asks, sounding more annoyed than worried, Yunho thinks. 

"You need to come home." 

A pause, and there's people laughing in the background. "Why?" 

"Just..." Yunho tries, not until now realizing that he really must sound insane. And he still has no way to explain himself. "Do as I say. Please." And he's still _not_ begging. 

Changmin appears to consider his words for a moment. "Is everything alright?" 

"No," Yunho says without hesitation, because that's the only thing he's sure of. 

"What happened?" 

"Just come home," Yunho bites out. 

"Alright, alright," Changmin surrenders, and the laughter is silenced. "Just be prepared when all my friends hate you for killing the party."

"I'm sure they can manage without you," he breathes, and knows that that's the difference between Yunho and Changmin's other friends. 

 

 

And when Changmin walks in the door, it's like Yunho sees him in a new light for the first time. The relief that completely floods his body overpowers him completely, and the need that wells up and takes its place makes him hurry over to the door before Changmin has even had a chance to remove his shoes. 

"What's going on?" Changmin asks, not taking his eyes off his hyung when he bends down. 

"You need to... be here," Yunho says simply.

Changmin steps out of his shoes and stands up straight again. "What?" he says with a shake of his head. 

"You just need to be here, all the time." He knows he's being unreasonable, but he's terrified of what will happen if Changmin leaves him again. 

"Hyung..." Changmin takes a step forward and places his hands on Yunho's shoulders. "You're starting to freak me out a little." Yunho stares back at him helplessly. "What is it that you're not telling me?" 

"I just," he pants in reply, "I feel like I'm going insane." Changmin frowns, and Yunho doesn't want to panic again. "Everything gets worse if you're not here." 

The younger withdraws his hands. "But you barely even talk to me when I'm here." 

"But I want to," Yunho says, _definitely_ begging now. "I want to, all the time."

"So why don't you?" Changmin says, and his tone is cold now as he walks past Yunho into the apartment, dumping his bag on the floor. 

"Because," Yunho tries, and there's so many reasons, like because Changmin hates him, because he loves Changmin and has some kind of romantic feelings for him, because he needs him so much that if Changmin doesn't give him what he wants, then he will break beyond repair, and because Yunho thinks he might have gone insane and he's afraid of what might happen. "Because I don't know what's happening to me," he says. 

Changmin walks into the living room and sinks down on the couch. Yunho follows reluctantly. "You don't look any different to me," the younger says, eyeing Yunho carefully. 

Yunho does a double take. "I don't?" he asks, surprised. Until now, he's been convinced he must look like a true basket case. 

"No. Same old Yunho." Changmin's eyes are still on him, and for some reason, those words calm him down considerably. Yunho remains where he's standing until Changmin motions him over. "Come sit down for a while."

Not needing to be told twice, Yunho hurries over, but sits down as far away from Changmin as he can. 

"It's not better yet?" Changmin asks. "The feeling you were talking about?" 

Yunho shakes his head. "No. I think... it's getting worse." 

Changmin smiles sadly at him. "Hyung, maybe you should go see a doctor about it." 

"I should go see a doctor and tell him I'm going crazy?" Yunho asks, just raising an eyebrow. 

"It's been recommended," Changmin says with a slight laugh. "But I'm just thinking, what if you really are coming down with something?" Yunho frowns. "You told me yourself you felt like you were getting sick." 

"Yeah," Yunho agrees, "but..." He wants to argue and say that it's not physical, but then again, that's a lie, because the physical world is what doesn't feel real to him anymore. It's something he just can't put his finger on, and he doesn't want to talk to a doctor about it, even though he wants to know what it is and what's going on with him. "I just don't..."

"I'm not going to force you," Changmin says quietly. "But if you're so worried that you're even calling me over, then I think you should go see a doctor. Because that's where your help is." 

Yunho looks away, because he can't explain the mixed safety and despair Changmin’s presence brings Yunho. Can't explain that everything currently revolves around Changmin being there or being gone. Can't explain how he wants the younger man to wrap his arms around him and hold him so tightly it hurts, kiss him until his lips sting and ache and he can actually _feel_ that he's alive. 

That's what he wants. And he imagines that if he was kissing Changmin with his eyes closed, it wouldn't matter if the rest of the world felt unreal. 

"Everything gets worse if you're not here," he mumbles again. As he says it, he realizes that it has nothing to do with his new condition, his new insanity - it's all about his own personality, his needs, and the love he has for the other man. 

Changmin moves closer and puts a hand on his thigh. "I don't understand, but okay. If it helps that I'm around, then I'll be around. Alright?" 

But Yunho catches himself right as he starts feeling happy and contented, and he gets up and excuses himself. "It's late," he says, and he sees the look of disbelief on the younger man's face before he hurries off to his room. 

 

He lies down on his bed and the sheets are still all in a mess. He thinks that maybe, maybe if he can visit the place with the green stars, he might come back about to fall into Changmin's room again, and he can use that excuse to be close to the other man. Maybe. 

And he knows that if he lies down, turns out the light and closes his eyes, he can fool himself that he's asleep. It's that simple. Because Yunho is always dreaming, and the part of his mind that's actually awake is easy to look past. 

_Goodnight_ , he tells himself with a smile. 

He turns out the lamp with a click, and the last flash of light shimmers in green. 

 

 

 

Yunho wakes up in the middle of the night. One look at the clock on his nightstand tells him that's it's 3:20 in the morning, and there's nothing better than that to Yunho's mind. He realizes he loves the state of just waking up, because that's the only part of the day where he actually feels normal. Waking up, just about to break through that wall of sleep. 

But he's still in his bed, not in the new place, and not in Changmin's room. And he needs to do something about that, quickly, before this wonderful feeling of being _normal_ disappears. So he gets up, climbs out of bed, almost walks into a wall when the head rush sets in, and then he hurries out of his room. 

The apartment is dark and silent, and his eyes want to fall shut again, but Yunho wills himself to wait just another moment. He sneaks over to Changmin's door, finds it to his surprise not fully closed, and then he glides in, careful not to wake the younger man. 

Changmin is fast asleep on his side, and there's only a tiny space in the bed beside him. But Yunho doesn't mind, doesn't mind sleeping on 50 centimeters if he has to, so he lifts the cover as slowly as he can, and then he crawls in behind Changmin, wrapping his arm around his waist. 

The younger stirs instantly, making a slight "mph" sound, but Yunho is too busy soaking in the warmth beneath the duvet to pay it any thought. The heat fills him up completely, and he closes his eyes, snuggling into Changmin's pillow and letting his fingers spread out over Changmin's clothed stomach. 

"Yunho?" the younger mumbles hoarsely, but Yunho doesn't reply. He holds the other man's body tighter in response, and Changmin groans again. Then he sighs heavily, pushing his entire body back into Yunho's, who has to fight for a breath, the closeness making it hard for him to breathe. Changmin relaxes into him, and the weight is nearly enough to knock Yunho off his tiny space on the bed, but he bears with it, because it's warm and home and everything he's wanted for years. It calms him, makes him feel safe, protected, and so unbelievably turned on that he's not sure what to do. 

All the emotions run through him in a haze and he's relieved, because he feels _so much_ and it's all real. 

He drifts back to sleep. 

 

He wakes up when Changmin scoots over to give him more space. Yunho follows, but in his sleep-foggy mind he decides to turn away from the younger, just to see what would happen. If Changmin could hold him, hold him for real this time, simply because he wants to. 

So he turns over, and then he waits. 

Changmin turns the other way. 

 

 

 

They're called into a meeting the next day. They're told their superiors have come to a decision regarding TVXQ: they're going to return as a duo for the SMTown concert a little over a month from now, and it's just on trial. To see the audience's reactions to the two of them together. 

Rehearsals are to start immediately. They want solos from both of them, a medley of old songs, with a mixture of something new. Something that could promise something for the future, just to see the fans' reaction. 

 

Yunho hates it. He's known all along that himself and Changmin would have little to no say in what's going to happen to them, that fact is harder to digest than he'd thought it would. See, because since this is what management chooses to do with them, it must mean Yunho and Changmin as TVXQ must be their first choice – which probably means that that's what's going to happen in the end. 

And that means Yunho and Changmin are stuck with each other _for years_ ahead. No matter what happens with the two of them. And Yunho is apparently incurable - he can't keep his addiction for Changmin at bay, and he can't stop himself from building that old hope up again and again after he's torn it down for himself. He's stuck in an endless cycle of attacking and withdrawing, and Changmin is left not understanding what's going on. 

At least Yunho hopes he doesn't. 

The point is, Yunho thinks, is that it's unfair. It's unfair to both of them, not only because they don't have a choice in the matter, but it's unfair towards Changmin because he's done nothing wrong. 

 

The anger comes with unexpected force as soon as dance practice starts. 

Yunho is disoriented, dizzy and tired from the word 'go'. He tells himself it's because he's simply not used to dancing, it's been a while now since they performed anywhere, but he knows it's not. It's just another fun effect that's included in the whole package of his insanity. And the medley they've put together - a mix of The Way U Are, Rising Sun, Mirotic and Purple Line - is mostly a mix of Yunho's own parts, with Changmin joining him only for The Way U Are and Mirotic. 

And it's pathetic, Yunho thinks. It's disgusting. Because the parts chosen from the songs are no more than 20 seconds each, and he listens to it with growing discontentment, because is that all that the other three left when they took off? Is that all they have now, these short clips of songs they all used to love, short clips that display his loneliness and that does nothing but hurt? 

Because, Yunho thinks as he easily recalls the moves they used to do as five, if it wasn't because of the other three's betrayal, Yunho wouldn't be in this state now. That is the simple truth. He wouldn't have had a reason to get drunk that night and he wouldn't have woken up like this. 

And it makes every single move, every single flick of the hand hurt with the power of the love he used to hold for each and every one of them. 

 

"It's just something we need to get used to," Changmin says as they've just finished going through the medley a third time. "If we do it enough times, it'll be like it's always been this way. Just the two of us." 

But the taste in Yunho's mouth is sour. "Doesn't feel like it," he says, and the background dancers give each other some awkward looks. 

"It will, though," Changmin says enthusiastically. "I promise." 

"You and your fucking promises," Yunho hisses, because he's sick of Changmin trying to comfort him with promises that never hold. The younger stares at him, taken aback by his words. "Let's go over it again," Yunho says then, clapping his hands to get the background dancers' attention, as if they hadn't all been listening tentatively already. 

 

Yunho doesn't give a damn that Changmin is male. He doesn't care that a relationship with him would jeopardize their entire careers. It doesn't matter what other people would think about them. No, that's never been a problem for Yunho.

But hurting each other is starting to become such a habit now that he's not sure how to stop. 

 

 

Busy days in the dance studio makes his head feel a little lighter, because at least he has something to focus on. A job at hand that needs taking care of. A challenge that he can rise to. And what a challenge it is, too; trying to coordinate his body into doing things amateurs can't when his entire mind is numb and disconnected. 

They give it their best, and the atmosphere in the room is horrible. Their practices that used to be light-hearted, excited and full of jokes and pranks is now dead silent when the music isn't playing, and there are no smiles, no attempts to break the ice, because the background dancers are all aware that there's something in this room that they don't know. Something that's none of their business and that they're too afraid to try to deal with. 

 

Yunho and Changmin start avoiding each other at home again. They haven't spoken of the night when Yunho climbed into Changmin's bed, and neither are they going to, Yunho assumes. The thought leaves him with mixed emotions, because he wants so badly for it to happen again, but only if it happens every night for the rest of their lives. And he knows his moodiness in dance practice probably means Changmin is all kinds of sick of him, so if he were to try it again, the younger would probably kick him in the face. 

Not to mention the fact that Yunho is going crazy with longing to be close to the other man again. 

 

"You know, we'd probably get a whole lot more done in dance practice if you weren't such an asshole all the time," Changmin says, getting a water bottle out of the fridge. He slams it down on the kitchen counter, glaring at Yunho where he's seated at the kitchen table.

"Stop it," Yunho mutters, exhausted and aching in every part of his body. "I'm too tired for this." 

"You're always too tired, too numb, too _crazy_ ," Changmin says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Yunho feels as though the younger just slapped him across the face, and he jerks back. "The guys are all tense around you all the time." 

"Well, maybe they should be," Yunho says, unable to help himself. "Beware of the crazy fucking Jung Yunho, professional dancer and mental case." He pulls his hands through his hair, then down over his face, wishing to somehow rip the skin off and get in touch with himself again. 

"What's the problem?" Changmin asks, walking over to the table and leaning against it without sitting down. "Come on," he orders. "Come on, _hyung_ , tell me the real reason." 

The hurt is starting to become too much, and Yunho needs Changmin to stop, or he doesn't know what's going to happen. But he doesn't know what to say to make it better, or what he could say to make it worse, or any words that he could even imagine saying. So instead, he mumbles through his fingers as tears work on his eyes: "I don't even know who I am anymore." 

Changmin sighs. "Well, that makes two of us." He grabs his water bottle and walks off. 

 

The sting is too much. And Changmin is walking towards his room and he's going to close his door this time, probably slam it, and Yunho will be alone again. He panics blindly, and groans out a silent "Changmin..." but the younger doesn't care. He disappear behinds his door, and the slam echoes though the apartment. 

 

 

Yunho almost feels like a werewolf, and the comparison makes him laugh. See, because, he wants a cage, something to lock himself in for the night, so that he won't walk off, out the door and have to explain it to Changmin in the morning. His door has a lock, of course, but it's easily unlocked from the inside, and if Yunho managed to get himself all the way across the city to knock on Jaejoong's door in that state, then he doesn't think unlocking his own door is going to be a problem.

And he can't ask Changmin, because he still doesn't want to get kicked in the face. 

 

He's still standing at his door, staring at the lock when he turns around and looks out over the beautiful, frozen lake, like nothing short of something out of a fairytale. He smiles, gives a little wave to the stars, still twinkling in their sickly green light, and they're all so pleased to see him back. 

He looks up towards land, and his smile drops when he sees the house still standing there. The side facing him is completely burnt black, but it's still standing, and Yunho can't understand how that's possible. He assumes that if he walked over and put his finger on the wall, it would crumble, and for a moment he's consumed with a need to do so. 

But no, that house has always given him the creeps, and he doesn't want to be near it. The warm snow and friendly stars will always be his number one choice. So he sinks down, loving how the snow still won't make him even a tiny bit wet, and he strokes his hands all over it, enjoying its warmth. 

It's strange, though, Yunho realizes. The tracks that were there the last time may be gone now, but how can there be footprints at all if the crust is too hard to break through? He pushes down, but the snow won't budge, so he presses with all his might, and then there's a loud crushing sound as his hands sink through, and Yunho yelps when his skin is cut up and the blood flows through. 

He holds up his hands to look at them. Red stains diamond white. And though it bleeds a lot, he doesn't feel scared. He looks down, and sees no holes in the snow where he just put his hands. 

"Yunho," calls a voice tentatively. Yunho spins around. The tone is soft as last time, and he immediately wants to go. He listens as it calls again, and he's sure the voice is Changmin's, once again. He gets up, holding his bleeding hands out in front of him. "Yunho."

"Yes!" he calls into the distance. His voice echoes across the lake. "Where are you?" 

He spins around again and then Changmin is standing there in front of him, happy and with a sort of confused smile on his face, and the sight makes Yunho's heart beat. It seems like it's been a long time since he saw that smile directed at Yunho. 

"There you are," Yunho says, grabs this happy Changmin by the shoulders, and kisses him full on the lips. 

 

The younger seems surprised for a second, but just as Yunho thinks would happen in this dream land of his, he kisses back, softly and carefully, and his lips are warm but dry, so Yunho licks softly at his bottom lip. The other groans and pulls him closer, kissing deeper, more hurriedly and hungrily, and Yunho wants to smile, because right now he likes to think they have all the time in the world. And he was right: when Changmin's lips are on his and his eyes are closed, the rest of the world can go fuck itself.

But then Changmin takes a step back. "Hyung..." he mumbles. All is silent apart from the buzzing of their fridge. The realization makes Yunho blink, and then look around their kitchen for a few moments. "What are you..?" Changmin tries, and not until then does Yunho realize that he actually kissed Changmin, he _really_ kissed Changmin and the other man kissed back. "Why did you do that?" 

Yunho sinks down on the chair next to him, because that was clearly too good to be true. Changmin would never in a million years kiss Yunho and put his heart into it, and Yunho's mind reels, still feeling the warmth of Changmin's lips on his. He doesn't know what to say. "I... I don't know..." he says truthfully. 

The answer does not sit too well with the younger. "What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?" He stares down at Yunho, his eyes hysterical and confused.

"I..." 

"Do you have feelings for me?" he asks then, honest and straight-forward and not censoring anything. It's refreshing, Yunho thinks, but... 

"No," he forces himself to say. "No, I just... I just had to..." 

"Don't," Changmin bites, " _don't_ tell me this was one of your goddamn insanity things again. I might vomit." 

Yunho looks down, wanting to run away because that's what he always does, and Changmin will never understand that if he can't _love_ him, then Yunho will never be contented, and they will stay in this vicious circle forever. And Yunho knows that Changmin could never love him, because that's just not what they do - they hurt each other, they lie, they yell, because that's just who they are nowadays.

"You selfish fucking asshole," Changmin says then, and Yunho fears he can't take it. 

"Don't, Changmin, please," he begs.

"Why?" Changmin asks. "Does it hurt?" 

"Yes."

"So if you don't have feelings for me, then why does it hurt?" 

Yunho still can't look back at him, but just shakes his head. "Please, don't do this to me. Not now." 

"No, tell me," Changmin demands, his voice rising in volume. "Why does it hurt, hyung?" 

"You don't understand," Yunho groans, but doesn't know how to end the sentence. Something's supposed to come after those words, he knows that much, but he's not sure exactly what. 

Changmin, on the other hand, seems to think it ends there. He turns around. "Oh, fuck off," he says, "you egotistical bastard." He storms off, and Yunho thinks that this will be it: this is where his life ends. The pain is too much for him to physically bear, and he leans his head against the table, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing and praying and hoping for the pain to just go away, because this was the furthest thing from what he wanted. 

He doesn't call the other man's name, doesn't ask him not to go, but lets him do as he pleases. Because, he knows, if Changmin didn't hate him before, he sure does now.

 

 

They don't spare a glance for each other on the morning the day after. Not a word is shared between them as they make their way to dance practice. They don't look at each other in the mirrors of the practice room, and they never speak directly to each other. 

Today they're starting on a new song: Maximum. It was recorded a long time ago, with five voices, and they haven't had time to record a new version of it yet. It's sickening to Yunho's stomach, having to dance at the front lipsyncing to Jaejoong's voice, dancing to emphasize Junsu's words, still sharing his rap part with Yoochun. It's horrible, and he puts all the anger he feels into his dancing. 

 

Changmin has a hard time keeping up. He's working hard, just like he always does, but he seems tired today. Yunho sees it, but he can't make himself talk to the other man long enough to decide on taking a break. They do a specific part that the youngest seems to have trouble with over and over, with Yunho half-heartedly showing him the moves, but Changmin just won't get it. In the end, he falls over, and Yunho walks up to him, clapping his hands at him, gesturing for him to stand up again. 

"Again," he says without mercy. The sweat runs down Changmin's face in rivers, and he stands up again on shaky legs without waiting for Yunho to hold out his hand and help pull him up. "What's the problem?" Yunho says then, repeating the younger's words from the day before. 

"I'm just _tired_ ," Changmin pants out, leaning down, steadying himself with his hands on his thighs. Yunho can tell he wants to give up, but he's not the type to do so. He'll keep trying his best until someone orders him to stop. "If I could just rest for a bit..." 

Yunho rolls his eyes. "Yeah, sure, let's rest. Screw the performance, right?" And Changmin stares back at him with furrowed brow. The backup dancers all withdraw towards the back of the room, all stretching and trying to look like they're not really there. 

"What?"

"The routine isn't going to learn itself," Yunho continues, turning away from the other, staring at his own reflection. "But if you want to rest, then by all means rest. What difference will this performance make anyway, right?" 

Changmin stands up straight. "Hyung, what the fuck are you on about?" 

Yunho shrugs. He's so sick of not being able to feel things, not being able to wake up fully, that he just wants to reach out and put his fist through the mirror, feel the shards slice into his skin just like in that other place, but he doesn't. He wants to, and he actually tries to will himself to do it, but he can't. So he turns to Changmin. "You said it yourself. You don't want the two of us working together." 

Changmin stares at Yunho's reflection as well, and Yunho feels his eyes on him, but he refuses to look back. Refuses to give into those dark eyes, high cheekbones and slim face. "Is that what this whole thing is all about?" Changmin says, a bit too loudly. " _That's_ why you're acting like fucking Adolf Hitler of the practice room?" The backup dancers begin disappearing wordlessly from the room, one by one, and Yunho pretends he doesn't notice. "Hyung, that's not—"

"End of discussion," Yunho hurries. "We're here to practice, not talk, so shall we get back to dancing?" 

"When are you going to let me explain this?!" Changmin yells, taking three long steps right up to Yunho and grabbing him by the shoulders. "That's _not_ what I meant when I said that," he says, clearly enunciating every word. "Okay?" Yunho's painfully aware of Changmin's lips, just like last night, and suddenly painfully aware that the room is empty barred the two of them. Changmin's eyes are big and round and desperately annoyed. "All I meant was that I was worried... about how things would become when the others were gone. That's all." His hands slip from Yunho's shoulders. "I never said I didn't want to be around you. Because it's not true. Alright?" 

Yunho turns away, because all he can think of kissing the other man again, and why did he get himself into that situation? How could he kiss the other man, knowing full well that they could never be together? That it would never be something he could expect from the other man? "Whatever," he says, the most childish comeback he can think of, and he looks at himself in the mirror again, his own reflection far away and unreal. The anger boils beneath his skin again. 

"Fine, if you need a reason to hate me so badly, then do," Changmin says, staring straight at Yunho. Yunho eyes him through the mirror. "But have some mercy on me, please, because after last night you must know how I feel about you." 

Yunho clenches his jaw. "Get the guys back in here. We need to get back to practice." 

Changmin lowers his head in defeat and starts backing away. "Okay. Stay in denial if that's easier for you. Just forget I said anything." And as he walks away, Yunho stares at his back through the mirror and pleads over and over in his mind, _please, come back and fight for me_. He wants the younger man so badly it makes it hard for him to breathe yet he needs Changmin to fight for him, because he's terrified that he's wrong. He can't let the thought of Changmin actually having feelings for him into his head, because what if he _is_ wrong? What if that dream would be lit and then crushed with the truth, the truth that Changmin could never love him? Or the truth that Changmin _could_ have loved him, but Yunho killed all his chances by treating him like yesterday's trash? 

 

Changmin goes out and calls the guys. He doesn't come back to fight for Yunho, because there's nothing to fight for. 

 

 

Changmin goes out with friends that night. Yunho is terrified. 

Not only does it mean that Yunho's werewolf cage is open, but it also means Changmin doesn't give two shits about whether or not Yunho needs him. Which is all in order, Yunho supposes, because he's nothing but a giant asshole either way, and he doesn't deserve someone who cares for and stays with him when he so completely disregards their feelings. 

Still, with the way the horror has him in its claws as it gradually gets darker outside, he's not sure deserves _that_ , exactly. Because this, simply put, must be one of the deeper dimensions of hell. 

The thoughts run through his mind again, completely without his control. Memories, random words, thoughts for the future, an endless train of thoughts, and through all the noise the only thing he can hear is the heavy, rapid beating of his own heart. 

The panic is coming, he thinks, and he sinks down to his knees, knowing full and well that he can't do anything about it.

 

 

No footprints. No blood on his hands. 

He looks up and sees the house on fire. The flames rise high in the sky, and he's afraid immediately, because there are trees all around the house. What if they catch on fire? What if the entire forest catches on fire, and he's left with only this lake as his safety? What if the ice melts? What if, what if, what if? 

He wants out. He doesn't want to be here. He wants to go back to his real world, he doesn't want any more to do with this warm snow and those deceitful stars that all know his name but never speak directly to him. 

He's still down on his knees. Not sure how to find his way out, he thinks back on his previous visits to this place: how did he get out back then? And he remembers then, that every time he got out of here, he followed the sound of Changmin's voice. So all he needs is to find Changmin, and he will be okay. It's _got to_ be like that, or he doesn't know what he'll do. 

He looks around, but all he sees is fire and darkness. "Changmin?" he calls out, carefully at first. "Changmin?" 

No reply. Maybe he just needs to yell louder, maybe Changmin is somewhere further away this time. Maybe he's even up at the house, looking at the fire. He was always something of a morbid, sadistic being, Yunho thinks with a slight laugh. "Changmin?" he calls again. "Are you here? Where are you, Changmin?" 

And that's when he realizes that his voice doesn't echo across the lake anymore. 

"Changmin!" he calls out, louder this time. His own voice doesn't reply. "Changmin!" 

He looks up at the sky, at the twinkling, green stars, only to realize that they're not twinkling, but falling, leaving long strokes of glittering green behind them, and Yunho yelps, because what the hell is going on here? They seem to be coming straight at him, and God only knows how long it's going to take until they're here, and what they're going to do when they arrive, because Yunho can't hide - they all know his name. 

And they're alone here. 

"Changmin!" he screams, terror coming back with full force, and he feels awake, feels like this is his life. "Changmin!" The word tears at his throat, he screams so loud, but he can't stop, because Changmin has to be here somewhere, has to be around to save him, because what if he doesn't come? Or worse, what if Changmin doesn't actually _exist_? What if he will never come, and Yunho is left here, stranded on this lake forever, or until the stars reach him? He looks up at the long stripes of green and he screams, screams bloody murder, though part of his screams, he suspects, is actually Changmin's name, and then the front door opens carefully, and Changmin steps through it. 

 

He closes it behind him softly, still not having seen Yunho where he's standing, but then he looks up, and the look in his eyes is drunk. "You're home," says Yunho breathlessly.   
Changmin removes his jacket, wobbling a little where he stands. "If I had known you gave a fuck, I would have told you not to wait up," he says, grinning at the floor, filled with sarcasm. 

"I care," Yunho says, because he honestly feels like he's never cared more. 

"Go to sleep, hyung, it's late," Changmin says, making his way past Yunho into the kitchen. "Let's not do this right now. Let's... save some of the deliciously hurtful things we have to say until the morning, how about?" 

But the panic is still fresh in Yunho's mind, and it needs to end, and it needs to end now. So he follows Changmin's slow steps, grabs his arm, spins him around and kisses him again. 

Changmin doesn't hesitate before kissing back this time. His arms reach behind Yunho's back and pull him closer, almost like he was expecting this to happen, but Yunho can't let it stop here, this time. He lets his hands roam from Changmin's hair down to his crotch, stroking the other man's length through his jeans as well as he can. 

"Hyung," Changmin gasps, nails pressing into Yunho's arms. "What are you doing?" 

But Yunho kisses him again, because that's all he can do, and they can't stop now, no, if Changmin decides he doesn't want this then Yunho will die, he's sure of it. "It will be good," he whispers into the other man's ear. "And you want this, don't you?" He lets his hands wander to Changmin's ass instead and pulls him closer, pressing their hips together to let the younger feel his hardness. "Don't you?" 

Some part of the back of his mind tells him that he's using the other man, but he silences it, because if, _if_ there is a teeny, tiny possibility that Changmin does have feelings for him, then he must want this, right? Changmin, who's always been so hormonal and... well, horny. His hands release their firm grip on Yunho's arms, and then they slide over his chest, down over Yunho's stomach, and he moans a little against Yunho's lips. "I'll just take that as a yes," Yunho says, and Changmin nods quickly before their lips find each other again. 

"But hyung," Changmin breathes between kisses as they make their way towards Changmin's bedroom, "why?" 

Yunho shakes his head, pushing Changmin in front of him towards the bed. 

"Why are you doing this? If you don't have feelings for me?" 

Yunho says nothing, but sits Changmin down on the bed before climbing on top of him and straddling his hips. _I'm lying_ , he thinks, and tries to think as loud as he can, _of course I have feelings for you. Can't you see that?_

 

He pulls Changmin's shirt over his head, kissing him slowly. "I'll make you feel good," he murmurs, running his hands down Changmin's warm sides. "I want to make you feel good, Changmin." The words translate in his head to "I love you and I can't tell you, so let me show you instead." 

Changmin's breath quivers as he nods, and Yunho takes that to mean he's doing a good job so far. Yunho reaches down to start working on the other man's pants button, but feels him tugging on Yunho's shirt. He straightens up and lets Changmin pulls it over his head, and then warm lips press softly against his collarbone, and it's all he can do to try and keep his hands busy. He undoes the button, then he moves back, up off Changmin's lap, and the younger looks up at him, confused and worried, but then Yunho pushes him back, motioning for him to lie down. 

Changmin does as he's told, moving backwards towards the headboard, and Yunho unzips his own pants as he gets up and walks around the bed. He sees Changmin looking at him and it turns him on beyond belief, because there's such want in the younger man's eyes, something he's never seen within them before. He sits down next to him, letting his hands roam over Changmin's stomach and chest, leaning down to kiss him. Changmin's arms wrap around his neck, pulling him down deeper into the kiss. Yunho has to take a second and compose himself, because he's so hard he's aching now, and then he slides his hand over Changmin's stomach, down into his pants, into his boxers, stroking the hard length softly.

Changmin groans loudly into his mouth, and Yunho gives a surprised gasp. He takes a firmer grip and starts stroking him faster, and the moans and groans that instantly spill from Changmin's lips make him widen his eyes. "You're a loud one, huh?" he whispers into Changmin's ear, planting small kisses all around it and in his hair. But Changmin doesn't seem to even hear him, with the way he arches off the bed into Yunho's hand, groaning "hyung," from between clenched teeth. The whole scene makes Yunho feel like he wants to stay and jerk him off until he comes, but he withdraws his hand from the other's pants, pulling at the sides to get them away. 

"There's... in my drawer..." Changmin pants, pointing to his nightstand, and Yunho reaches over to retrieve a tube of lube. Then he grabs Changmin's pants again, Changmin lifts his hips up off the bed, and Yunho tugs the tight jeans down with a pull that takes a surprising amount of strength. He gets up on his knees, watching Changmin lay flat on his back right in front of him, this pale skin glowing with sweat and his eyes locked with Yunho's, and Yunho can't help but put his hand on the younger's inner thigh and stroke softly as he positions himself between his legs. "Hurry," Changmin groans, and Yunho smiles at him. 

Soon his fingers are slick with lube and inside the other man, preparing him for what's to come, and Changmin is arching off the bed, moans slipping out everywhere, eyes rolling back in his head. "Hyung," he pants out every now and then, and each time it sounds increasingly sexy to Yunho's ears. He will probably never be able to hear the word in the same way again, he assumes, and for a moment he's frozen by all the things he's about to change between them, but then he finds that special spot inside him and Changmin gives a long, drawn-out moan, and he forgets all about it. 

He wants to take the younger's cock into his mouth, but with the need to keep watching the expressions that contorts his features, he can't bring himself to look away. "Stop, hyung, I'm going to come," Changmin groans out. "Stop, stop." And again, Yunho is tempted to just continue, see Changmin come undone just from his two fingers, but he pulls out and does as he's told. 

"Are you ready?" he asks, and all thoughts of insanities and falling stars are gone from his mind; he knows only right here and right now, and the beauty that is Shim Changmin, spread out in front of him, wanting him. 

"Yes," the younger replies, "just do it. Please, hurry." 

So he pushes in, and Changmin's head falls back and presses hard against the battered pillow beneath him, hands gripping Yunho's arms tightly as he tries to endure the initial pain. The heat that surrounds Yunho is overpowering, out of this world, and he moves slowly, pulling out and thrusting carefully back inside the other man again, until the increasing moans tell him he's okay, and then he can't hold back for another second. 

He picks up the quickest rhythm he possibly can without hurting the other man, whose groans of "hyung," spill over his lips quicker and quicker with every thrust. The bed rocks and slams against the wall, and together with the rising volume of Changmin's voice, Yunho is almost sure they can be heard from outside, but there's no room in his mind for the thought, and he quickens his thrusts, already feeling the familiar tugging in his stomach, and he knows he won't last long. 

And judging by Changmin's face, it won't be long for him either. His hands travel further and further up Yunho's arms, nails digging into his skin and leaving deliciously painful little red marks all the way up to his neck, and then he almost lifts his body up off the bed and Yunho knows he must be close. So he keeps his eyes locked at Changmin's face as he fucks him harder, and then Changmin's moans of "hyung" becomes gibberish, unintelligible, until they come out in a scream of "Yunho!" and he comes, clenching down tightly around Yunho's length. 

Yunho watches his face, and then he comes undone. 

 

 

Yunho turns away again. Only this time, he's not sure what he wants Changmin to do. Mostly, he thinks, he wants to be alone, and that confuses him, because he thought the only thing he needed was Changmin. 

He doesn't know why he can't trust Changmin's feelings, why he can't trust the look on Changmin's face when Yunho touched him. He doesn't know. There's no logical reason for him to doubt it, at all, because so far, he's not aware of Changmin having ever lied to him. It must be, he supposes, that he's still terrified. Still terrified that he's got the whole thing backwards, and Changmin was just trying to ease some of his sexual frustration. 

But part of him knows that's not true. 

 

"Hyung," Changmin whispers, when Yunho has long thought him to be asleep already. Yunho himself can't sleep, but he pretends to be unconscious just so he won't have to talk. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he's sure he's going to ruin everything. "Are you awake?" 

He saying nothing, keeps his breathing steady, and Changmin's hands rest on his back. "Why, hyung?" he whispers, and Yunho can hear tears on his voice. "Why did you have to go and make everything so much harder for me?" 

And Yunho still pretends to be asleep when Changmin's fingers start stroking over his back. 

"I don't know how I'm supposed to stay away from you now." 

Yunho almost tenses when he realizes Changmin isn't just drawing a random pattern on his back, but actually spelling something out. 

_I am_

He relaxes his muscles and tries his hardest to keep up with what Changmin writes on his back. 

_in_

And of course he knows what's coming before it's there, but he doesn't dare believe, and a part of him doesn't want to hear it, but Changmin continues without caring about Yunho's inner turmoil, and Yunho has no choice but to realize,

_love_

That Changmin is actually

_with you_

in love with him. 

 

He wants to turn around, look Changmin in the eye and tell him the truth. About everything. But the truth is still painful, the truth is that Yunho feels insane, feels crazy, like maybe he's not even alive at all, anymore, like maybe he died somewhere along the way and everyone forgot to tell him. And Changmin makes him feel a little less like he's about to lose his head. 

But since five became two, Yunho has been thoughtless, rash and self-centered, and even though the after-effects of his orgasm still linger in his body, this was not at all what he wanted his first time with Changmin to be like. 

And that's when he realizes that it's time to make things right. That it's time be what he's forgotten that he is: the leader, the tower of strength, the protector, if there is a way to be all that _and_ be as insane as he is. 

As he listens to Changmin's breathing slowly even out, he thinks it is. Then he turns over on his back, the ceiling lifts off, and the stars above Seoul city are green. 

 

 

Everything feels dramatic the next morning. First off, Changmin isn't there when he wakes up, which does _not_ bode well at all. No, not even close. Not only is he gone from the bed, but he's gone from the apartment, no note, no nothing. 

Great, Yunho thinks, and then calls the younger to see where he is, and he gets no reply. 

Even better. 

Before he lets the panic seize him, though, he decides to send Kyuhyun a text, and the youngest Super Junior member loyally tells him that Changmin is in their dorm, just playing some games. 

The next minute he gets a text from Changmin. 

" _He wasn't supposed to tell you that. I'm coming home now_." And Yunho imagines the slap Kyuhyun must have just received over the back of his head. It brings a smile to his lips. 

 

He sits at the kitchen table until Changmin comes home, unable to do anything else. Because it's time to come clean, and the thought makes him jittery and terrified and all sorts of other things, because there's a possibility that Changmin might still hate him for dragging the whole thing out for so long.

Also, there's a slight possibility that Yunho is in fact a terrible pessimist. But he pays no attention to that, because Changmin is too precious for him not to be afraid of losing him. 

He holds up his hand in front of his face, studying the skin closely, and it still feels as alien and unfamiliar to him as before. He's lost count on how long it's been now, how many weeks that have passed like this, but at least he feels calm now. So that's a possibility. And that eases his mind a little. 

 

When Changmin comes home, he throws off his jacket and shoes as quickly as he can and dashes into the kitchen, stops at the table where Yunho is sitting and says: "Hyung, we need to talk." 

Then he makes to move past Yunho, but the older grabs his arm, stops him and replies: "Changmin, I am in love with you." And Changmin stares down at him, his face unreadable, and Yunho tries on a smile for him. "So yeah, I guess we do." 

Changmin backs up and sinks down into the chair opposite Yunho. "Did I just hear you right?" he asks, eyeing Yunho carefully, and for a moment Yunho thinks back to how things were just a few weeks ago, when they couldn't keep eye contact for more than two seconds at a time. He smiles again. 

"I said I'm in love with you." 

"Yeah," Changmin says slowly, "but... since when?" 

His confusion is utterly adorable to Yunho, who wills himself not to smile like an idiot. But he's already started hoping now, hoping that Changmin will want to give himself away, so now there's no going back. And Yunho is probably going to be crushed, because who would ever want to give themselves away to a basket case? He shrugs a little. "I don't know. Since always." 

"Not since last night, I hope," Changmin says, suspicion clear on his face, "because-" 

"No, not since last night," Yunho interrupts. "It’s the reason why last night even happened at all." 

Changmin stares at him in what seems to be consideration for a moment. "Okay," he says then. "That's good." A silent moment passes, and then Changmin scratches at the back of his neck. "Well, I... I'm in love with you, too." 

And Yunho feels like from now on, he will always be a person who's waiting for the catch. 

But there is no catch. Changmin eyes him honestly, showing no signs of shame or fear. "I have for a long time," he says then, and Yunho can barely believe his ears. 

"I'm sorry," is the only thing he can think of as a reply to that. "I'm sorry for everything I've said since... the split. I'm sorry. I've been crazed." He reaches out a hand across the table, and Changmin takes it in his without a moment's hesitation. 

"I haven't been all that friendly myself," he says, but Yunho wants to silence him, wants him to stop taking the blame, because it all came from Yunho's own stubbornness and inability to trust him. "So..." Changmin says, squeezing Yunho's hand. "Peace?" 

"Peace, yes, definitely," Yunho breathes, and Changmin smiles. He finally smiles. And it's like Yunho's whole world changes right there: his grip on reality may be fucked, but as long as Changmin is there and Changmin hasn't lost his smile, Yunho hasn't _killed_ his smile, maybe he can survive it. 

"But hyung," Changmin says then, suddenly serious, and Yunho instantly prepares, again, for the catch. 

"What?" 

"That... that wasn't actually why I said we needed to talk." Their fingers are intertwined, and Changmin squeezes his hand once more. 

"No?" Yunho says, feeling slow and stupid and out of the loop. "Then... what?" 

Changmin hesitates, and Yunho thinks he's about to fall apart. "Just..." Changmin begins, "you know that I'm going to be here with you on every step of the way, right? For as long as you can possibly stand me." 

Yunho frowns. "Uh-huh," he says cautiously. "Did something happen?" Changmin looks back at him with sad eyes. "You're scaring me, Changmin."

"Hyung..." he says. "Have you ever heard the term 'depersonalization'?" 

 

 

Changmin's bed is better than Yunho's in most ways. It's bigger, it's softer, and yeah, perhaps it makes a lot of noise during sex, but Yunho's is so flimsy that they're scared they'll break it if they use that. So they stay in Changmin's room, both of them together. 

And, Yunho discovers, there's nothing quite as peaceful as when Changmin has his arms wrapped around him, breath softly brushing through Yunho's hair as he falls asleep, while Yunho has his face buried in Changmin's neck, breathing in his scent. No, nothing as peaceful as that. Warm snow can go screw itself. 

Reality may be far away, but at least it's not completely gone, he thinks as he glances over Changmin and looks out the window. He has lots to learn, and lots of horrible feelings to work through. Then again, he has a whole lot of Changmin by his side, as well. All of Changmin, in fact, now that you mention it. And perhaps there's a way those two can balance each other out, if Yunho really puts his mind into feeling better. Maybe. 

A star outside the window twinkles in green. And then it goes out.


End file.
